When Trying Out A New Product, Read The Instructions Carefully
by Skarrow
Summary: In which Robin accidentally achieves the impossible S rank support with a certain someone he wasn't supposed to. Crack-fic


**A/N:** I own a copy of Fire Emblem: Awakening, but I don't own the characters, etc.

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Everything was going rather well for the Shepherds' resident tactician today. The Risen they encountered in the forest were taken down with little injuries sustained by the soldiers, his favorite dish had been served for dinner that night, Cordelia had already taken inventory twice so Robin was left with a lot of free time, and Sumia was totally checking him out instead of Chrom! Yes, today was one of those jackpot days that came once in a blue moon!

He could have added "got the men's bathing tent all to himself" to the list, but...

"Robin, are you in there? Hellooo?"

Robin scratched the back of his head, disappointed that his peace had been interrupted by Chrom's voice booming outside.

"HELLOOO?!" Chrom yelled even louder. "I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT OUR NEXT MOVE!"

"Are you _trying_ to summon the Risen to our camp? Come inside the tent!" Robin growled, not bothering to move from his comfortable position in the hot water. He liked Chrom and trusted him with his life on the battlefield, but for all those "etiquette lessons" the prince still had his moments of social awkwardness that never failed to astound the tactician.

He heard the familiar sound of the tent flap opening and dirt crunching beneath heavy boots.

"Gods, why is it so steamy in here...?"

The footsteps came closer and closer to the makeshift tub.

"Ah, there you are," Chrom's voice remarked from somewhere behind Robin, the boots coming to a halt. "I can hardly see a thing through all this blasted steam... Anyway. I wanted to consult with you on tomorrow's march."

No rest for the weary. Robin briefly debated the idea of explaining to Chrom about _the right time and place_ for these sorts of things with himself, and figured it would do no good because he himself had allowed the man to intrude on his bath time in the first place.

"...Fine. What are the options?"

"Well, according to the map, one route is this steep trail through the hills, which-"

Robin found it slightly difficult to concentrate on what Chrom was saying; it was most likely because of the soothing bathwater. As much as he didn't want his soak to end so prematurely, he had a job to do - bathtime or no. The lives of his friends and comrades-in-arms were at stake. Most importantly, the life of exalt Emmeryn was at stake. Making sure the towel was tied securely around his waist, he stood up and stepped out of the wooden tub with great reluctance, sloshing water around.

He was focusing so hard on tactical strategy that he didn't hear the slight waver in the prince's voice at the sight of him.

"-Or we could circle the hills and follow the main road across the plain," Chrom continued. "I imagine either would work but wanted to see if you had a preference..."

"Hmm... I'd say the path through the hills. The main road would be easier, but we'd be more exposed if we encountered foes," the tactician decided, turning his back to the general and toweling his hair dry at the same time. Robin really disliked the number of Risen on horseback they'd encountered lately. Seriously, zombies on horseback? The steep trails the prince spoke of would most likely have lots of bandits crawling around, but at least he could still maneuver their forces around the rough terrain, using the cliffs and chasms to their advantage both directly and indirectly by playing on their enemies' fear. But, hmm, perhaps he should take another look at the map himself to make sure.

"Right... That's what I was thinking. Thanks for the advice," Chrom said distractedly as he walked away.

"Sure." Robin did not look up, still drying his silver hair.

He took a deep, long breath, happy and relieved that he was by himself again. The plans for tomorrow's march would have to be finalized, but he was confident that they would bring Gangrel to justice by tomorrow night. In the meantime it looked like he could have the rest of the night to himself after all! Or so he thought.

Because of the towel, he never caught the prince securing the entrance to the tent with rope.

"Robin?"

The young man put the towel away and pushed his wet hair out of his eyes. "Oh, I thought you left already. Was there something else you needed to ask?"

"No, I... erm, I just wanted to apologize."

"For what?"

"This isn't your war to fight."

Robin stilled for a split second, not fully comprehending what the young lord was saying. "Not my war to fight? You dolt, I _chose_ to fight in this war against Plegia as your tactician, and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"..."

"Chrom, you're acting really strangely. Didn't I already tell you that I would accompany you so I could watch your back every time you risk your neck for helpless innocents? I want to help you make this army stronger. I want to be there when you find the next me, lying face down in the fields. I want to help you forge new bonds as your chief tactician."

"Honestly? Truly?" Chrom suddenly looked rather determined. "Then, I won't put this off any longer."

"Huh?"

The Ylissean prince quickly stepped towards Robin, drawing out a little cloth bag that had been attached to his belt. He gently emptied the bag's contents onto his open gloved palm.

Robin was practically floored at the sight of the heavy gold ring, the crest of Ylisse glinting in the dim lamplight. He knew this ring - Chrom had showed it to him once before to satisfy his idle curiosity. It was a ring that was made for the prince on his birthday when he was but a child, and he was to present it to the woman he wished to marry when he was of age. Usually, Chrom would be wearing it but-

"The truth is... I came because I have something important to tell you," Chrom confessed, nervously fidgeting with the ring.

The tactician shook his head and smiled. Despite how much his fellow Shepherds praised him for his incredible intelligence and acute observation skills, there was no way he saw this coming. Even though they spent all that time together both on and off the battlefield, he'd never seen or heard of Chrom's romantic pursuits. Robin felt honored that Chrom wanted to discuss this with him - it was like they truly were brothers. And Robin would, of course support Chrom's choice, whomever she may be.

"Sheesh, so this was the_ real_ reason why you needed to speak to me? Why didn't you just say so in the first place? Well, I suppose I can find it in myself to forgive you for interrupting my bath... that is, if and ONLY if you make me your best man at your wedding."

"No, I'm not making you best man at my wedding," Chrom said quickly. "Definitely not. I'm not inviting you, either."

Robin winced. Of course, he said it only in jest but it kind of hurt to hear his best friend in the whole world say that _he wasn't even on the guest list_ so bluntly. "W-well, then can you at least tell me who the lucky lady is? So I can help you practice proposing to her. That_ is_ the reason why you came, right? Because if it isn't, and you simply wanted to show off your jewelry I won't hesitate to throw you at the devil-reincarnate we mistakenly call Sully's horse."

"Although the idea is quite interesting, I didn't come here to ask you for proposal pointers. And I definitely didn't come just to flaunt my ring. No, I came for a much, much more important reason."

Chrom still had that determined gleam in his eye as he took another step forwards, ever closer to Robin.

On impulse, Robin took a step back.

His brain worked thrice as fast as usual, trying to process Chrom's words and strange actions. If he did not come to ask for help on proposing to a woman, or to invite him to his wedding, but for a far more_ important_ reason... then...

"...Wait a second, what?"

The answer the tactician eventually reached horrified him to death and back. He desperately wanted to believe that he was over-analyzing the situation and jumping to conclusions, but... the way Chrom looked at him was just, just-

"Chrom, you _do_ realize that if one of the other Shepherds walked in on us at this very moment, they could get the wrong idea?" Robin laughed nervously. "They'll think you're proposing to me, or something, y'know? I'm pretty sure that either Vaike or Stahl will be here any second now..."

"No, they wouldn't be wrong. Because that's exactly what I'm doing. And nobody will disturb us, I made sure of it. "

"What."

"I've tried to keep this bottled up, and I can't do it anymore! I've come this far now, so I'm going to get right to the point! All right, deep breath... FHOOOOOO! ...Hold... and out... HAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Once more... FHOOOOOOOOO! Holding... holding... and out... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Right, I'm set now. Here goes."

"Waitwaitwait, what?!"

"Prepare yourself, because I'm going to say it!"

There was absolutely _no way in hell_ Robin could_ ever_ be prepared for what he was about to hear!

Chrom closed his eyes and took a few more deep breaths for good measure before dropping the bomb that never should have been. "I'm in love you, Robin. I have loved you ever since I first met you," he declared beseechingly, his cheeks aflame like a young school girl on the throes of her first love.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-WHAAAAAT?!"

"D-don't look at me like that... I know that things are going well between you and Sumia, and from the very beginning, I had always meant to cheer you on as your best friend and the prince of Ylisse! It's just that...we've been fighting a lot together. We're always side by side. At first, I thought of you as an ally, then a comrade, and finally a friend. I've felt the bonds of trust grow between us, stronger and stronger. And then I realized...you were more than just a friend! I can't lie to myself anymore!"

"Wa- wait _just a damn second_!" Robin blurted out, panicked. He had both of his hands up in the air, palms forward in the universal sign language for_ stay away from me. _Of course, the subtle social cue was too complicated for the tactless royal to understand and he kept moving towards Robin, backing him up and cornering him. "Is this one of those wonderful plot twists where you actually turn out to be a girl or som-"

"No. I'm a _real_ man."

"WHAT IN NAGA'S NAME-?!"

Robin leapt for the tent entrance, desperate to escape this awkward situation. He had this ominous feeling that if he did not get away RIGHT THIS SECOND, the world as they knew it would come to a terrible end. But Chrom was faster, grabbing the amnesiac by the hand with a firm yet gentle grip that caused chills of terror and _nononoNO!_ to run up and down Robin's spine. His brain also thought this was the right time to remind him that he was completely naked save for the towel around his waist.

"Look, I know this is sudden and I'm coming on like a wyvern in heat. But I'm not trying to force you into a decision, believe me. Whatever your answer, I shall abide by it, no matter how painful. And come what may, we'll always be friends. That I promise. But at least let me say this more clearly so there won't be any room for doubt as to my intentions-"

Chrom knelt on the ground before Robin on one knee, his grip on the other man's hand like a vice. With his other hand, he held up the ring.

The tactician felt he was dying on the inside.

"You are the wind at my back and the sword at my side. Together, my love, I know we can build a peaceful world. Just you and me."

"ARGH-!" Robin groaned, struggling against an invisible force that seemed to have seized control of his entire being. "I've been proposed to-! I can no longer refuse! It goes against the system!" The tactician's efforts to escape his fate were valiant, but in vain.

Somewhere in the distance, a certain blue-haired swordswoman from the future had already begun to vanish as if she never existed in the first place. Time itself began to waver and fall apart under the strain, and the hopeful future they had no idea they would soon be risking their lives for in two years had begun to errode...

"Nghh... ughhh... the truth is... the... rrrgh, the truth... is... I also feel the-"

"_AAAAAAAUUUUUGH!_"

Tharja woke up covered in cold sweat, screaming her head off, eyes as wide as wagon wheels. Luckily, her tent was sound-proofed with her dark magic in preparation for the day that Robin would willingly accept her invitation into her - no, _their_ - nest of sweet, sweet love.

She had only wanted to dream about her precious, precious Robin! Why, oh _why_ did that_ stupid Ylissean blue blood_ have to appear in the dream as well?! And _why_ was it a proposal scene between them?! Did she perhaps make a mistake in her special potion? No, that was impossible... She'd made sure to follow the directions carefully! What a complete waste of perfectly harvested ingredients! No way would Tharja buy a tome from that blasted thief, Gaius, ever again! Yes... yes, it was definitely Gaius' fault for selling her the tome in the first place!

Tharja slipped out of bed and began to work on cursing the daylights out of the man, muttering to herself and giggling.

There would be blood.

...

On the other side of camp, Robin was still wide awake. He was taking a quick inventory to see if any of their weapons needed repairs or replacing.

"Somewhere... around here... Ah, here - this is the arms storage tent, I presume?" He murmured to himself aloud. "All right then, I'll just head in and- whoa!"

He had come face to face with a naked Chrom, who was in the middle of a relaxing soak.

"Huh? I thought this was the arms storage tent," Robin mumbled, irritated at how their soldiers could leave their weapons inside and around the men's bathing tent like children who couldn't put away their toys properly. He would have to make some discreet inquiries later to figure out who the perpetrators were. "Sorry for barging in on you like that, Chrom." He turned around to leave.

"Wait, Robin."

"Hm?"

"Could you meet me at my tent in ten minutes? I have something I want to talk to you about," Chrom said, already preparing to step out of the tub.

"Sure. Did you have any questions about tomorrow's march?"

"Yes. And... other important matters as well."

The amnesiac was confused, but he promised to meet with his brother-in-arms and left the tent.

With a towel around his waist, Chrom picked up his discarded garments and smiled.

In the palm of his hand was a very special ring.

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**The End. The Beginning.**

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**A/N: **This story takes elements from the MaleMU and FeMU support convos with Chrom, and the chapter 11 proposal scene. Because... the system is broken.

I might write a follow-up chapter, but right now the story is complete!

Thanks for reading!


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